Biblical Courtship
by Lacey Brinley
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What is Biblical courtship? How should a Christian courtship be conducted? Depending on who you ask, you are likely to receive different answers to these questions. There are many variations of “courtship” and dating in the world today. Many books, articles, and sermons on the topic of courtship include a disclaimer that goes something like this:
No two couples are alike, neither are their circumstances alike. Therefore, no set rule can be made to apply to everyone...
This is partially true. There are some ways in which every courtship will be different. But take a look at this text from God's Word:
For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; not...as the Gentiles which know not God (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5).
In place of possess his vessel the Revised Standard Version says, take a wife for himself. This text makes it clear that there is a right way and a wrong way to acquire a life partner, and God wants to teach us the right way. As I began to study God's plan for courtship, I found that there are several Biblical principles that can (and must) be applied by every couple, in every circumstance. These are the foundation principles of Biblical courtship. If any of them are not followed, what you end up with is not a Biblical courtship at all, but rather a modification of worldly dating.
So get out your pencil, find your Bible and a quiet, comfortable place, and get ready to discover God's design for courtship.
Principle # 1: Sufficient Preparation and Maturity
Read Genesis 2:15-20.
In verse 15, what did God give the man? _____________________________________
What was man given in verses 16 and 17? ____________________________________
What did man begin to do in verse 19? _______________________________________
In these verses, we see that man was given a job, and the instruction or training he would need to fulfill God's plan for His life. He had also begun to carry out his life mission when he started naming the animals.
Now read verses 21-22.
When did man receive his basic training and begin his lifework? Was it before or after he had met his wife? __________________________________________________________
From this passage, we can see that it is God's ideal for young men to be mature, to have received sufficient training and understanding of their mission in life, and to have actually begun to carry out that mission, before they begin a relationship that leads to marriage. In most cases, this will not happen until they are out of their teens.
Read Genesis 2:18 again.
What duty was woman created for? _________________________________________
When was she given this duty? _____________________________________________
Did she become equipped for this duty before or after her marriage? _________________
As we can see, women were created to help man with his mission. This duty was given her before she was even created. It was what she was designed for. Obviously, she was fully prepared to fulfill her duty as a helper before she was presented to the man. It is just as important for young ladies as it is for young men to be mature (usually out of their teens) and to understand their life mission before beginning courtship.
Read Proverbs 31:10-31, 1 Peter 3:1-6, 1 Timothy 3:11 and Titus 2:4-5
Are you prepared to become the queen of your own home? _______________________
Remember: What you are before marriage, you will be in marriage. Begin practicing now, while you are still in your parents' home.
What are some specific things you need to do to become prepared?
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Read Ephesians 5:25-32, 1 Timothy 3:2-10, 1 Timothy 5:8, 1 Peter 3:7, and Genesis 2:23-24
What are some things a young man must do before he is qualified to take on the responsibilities of marriage? The qualifications for a leader in the church are also good qualifications for a leader in the home. See if you can find other texts describing godly men. Then make a list of the qualifications you will look for in potential suitors.
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Principle # 2: Male Leadership
Read Ruth 3
Why do you think Ruth was told to lie down at Boaz's feet? _______________________
Now read Deuteronomy 11:24, Joshua 10:24, Psalm 8:6, Ephesians 1:22, and Luke 10:39. According to these verses, what do the feet symbolize?
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(Additional verses: 1 Samuel 25:23, Isaiah 49:23, Revelation 1:17, Luke 8:41.)
In the Bible bowing or lying at someone's feet usually showed that you recognized and submitted to their authority over you. Therefore, Ruth's action was not one of boldness, but rather one of submission to Boaz's authority. According to the Hebrew law, Boaz was the one who was supposed to marry Ruth. By her action, she was simply showing that she recognized and was willing to follow his leadership.
Read Ruth 3:18 again. Both Ruth and Naomi were content to trust Boaz's judgment and submit to his leadership. What a beautiful example for women today.
Read 1 Corinthians 11:3
According to this verse, who is to take the lead in male/female relationships?
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It is clear both from Biblical examples and texts such as 1 Corinthians 11:3, that men, under the direction of Christ, are to be the leaders. In courtship, this means that the young man should be the initiator, not the young lady. And he must be the one to move the relationship to the next level at the proper time.
Read 1 Peter 3:5-6
Are you a “daughter of Sara?” Or are you afraid to let someone else lead?
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Principle # 3: Equal Yoking
Read 1 Corinthians 7:39
What is the one restriction this verse places on a woman when she is deciding who to marry? __________________________________________
Now read Dueteronomy 7:1-4
In verse 4, why did God say that the Israelites must not intermarry with the heathen nations?
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Read 1 Kings 11:1-4
What happened when Solomon married ungodly wives? __________________________
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We are only free to marry in the Lord. After all, we belong to Him. If we disobey and choose to marry a non-believer, we will be creating a very unhappy, mismatched family. We may think we can win the non-believer to Christ by courting or even marrying them, but as God warned the Israelites, it is much more likely that they will draw us away from Him.
Read James 4:4
How can we give our hearts to someone who hates God, and still be a friend of God? Is it even possible, according to this verse? __________________________________________
Read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18
What is the promise in this verse? ___________________________________________
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Are you meeting the conditions of this promise? Or is there unequal yoking in your life?
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Re-read verse 17. If there is unequal yoking, what should you do about it?
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Principle # 4: Sincerity and Honorability
Read 1 Thessalonians 4:6
What does this verse warn us not to do? ______________________________________
What does it mean to defraud? Look the word up in your dictionary and write the definition:
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According to Webster's 1828 Dictionary, “defraud” means, “to deprive of right, either by obtaining something by deception or artifice, or by taking something wrongfully without the knowledge or consent of the owner; to cheat...” In more simple terms, it means taking something that isn't yours—stealing.
Read Exodus 20:15
Do you think it's possible to steal affections? ___________________________________
What if a young man begins paying special attention to you, but you know you don't love him and never will? It may be tempting to allow his attentions to continue, simply because you enjoy it. Sometimes, young ladies even invite these attentions by flirting. But by doing this, you are stealing his affections.
Some girls don't even realize that they are flirting. If you aren't sure, ask your parents or a trusted friend this simple question: “Do I flirt?” If they say yes, what will you do about it?
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Remember that stealing is a crime and a sin. Determine to carry out all your relationships with sincerity and honor. Don't take what isn't yours and never defraud your brother in Christ.
Principle # 5: Restraint of Affections
Read Song of Solomon 2:7, 3:5, and 8:4
In these verses, what does the young woman repeatedly ask the daughters of Jerusalem not to stir up? _______________________________________________________________
Now read Song of Solomon 4:12
How does the bridegroom describe his bride in this verse? ________________________
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Because the young woman's love or affections were not stirred up--they were restrained until the proper time--she was like a special garden or fountain, kept shut up and saved for one particular person. Even during courtship you will need to restrain your affections. After all, you're not married yet, and there is no guarantee that you will be. Courtship is simply a time to find out if marriage is God's will for the two of you. You may find that the answer is no. Because of this, you will need to save your love and affections for the one who they really belong to.
Read Proverbs 31:11-12 and 1 Thessalonians 4:3-7
Can your future husband trust you right now, even before you know who he is, to save your love for only him? Are you seeking to do him good by the way you carry on your relationships, or are you defrauding him by giving your affections away too soon?
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What are some practical things that will help you restrain your affections during courtship? Here are a few to get you started:
Maintain dignity and proper reserve
Don't spend time together late at night
Remember that God and angels are watching every word and action
Avoid reading, hearing, or seeing anything that will suggest impure thoughts.
Don't act like a married couple
Now add to the list. What are some ways you personally can avoid the temptation to give your heart away prematurely?
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Principle # 6: Calm Consideration of Character
Read Genesis 24:12-14
What was the sign that Rebekah was the one appointed for Isaac?
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Rebekah's hospitable, courteous character showed that she would be compatible with Isaac, who had also grown up in a home where these character qualities were practiced (see Genesis 18:1-5).
Read Proverbs 28:26 and Jeremiah 17:9
Why is it foolish to trust your feelings? _______________________________________
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We can easily be deceived by our feelings because they are not based on principle, or even on reality. They are temporary and change often. For these reasons, courtship should not be based on feelings, but on calm, reasonable consideration of principle, and of your suitability for one another. Do not love blindly; rather, be honest about any faults or incompatibilities you see.
Read Genesis 3:6
What was Adam led to do because of his feelings for Eve? ________________________
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Consider this question: Do your feelings of affection ever turn you aside from truth and duty? __________________________________________________________________
Read 1 Samuel 16:6-7
Why did Samuel think Eliab was the Lord's anointed? ____________________________
Why did God say he had refused Eliab? ______________________________________
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From these verses we can see that a man's looks are not nearly as important as his heart. In courtship, we must be careful not to be captivated by exteriors.
Read Genesis 24:53, Genesis 29:18 and Joshua 15:16-17
What were these young men required to do before they were given a wife?
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Although it was abused by such men as Laban, the bride price was a sound principle. We can especially see how well in worked in the story of Caleb, Othniel, and Achsah. Caleb knew that his daughter was ready to be married, and he recognized the conquest of Kirjathsepher as an opportunity to test the young men who might be interested. By conquering the city, Othniel fulfilled all the requirements of a bride price: he proved his devotion to God's cause (God had commanded the Israelites to take over the land, see Joshua 13:1-12); he proved his sincerity and love for the young lady (he actually risked his life for Achsah); and he proved his ability to provide for and protect a family.
In each of these stories, the young men had to demonstrate these three points, though each one did it in a different way. Isaac (through the servant) proved his devotion, sincerity, and ability by giving costly gifts; Jacob spent many years working for the young lady's father; and Othniel went to battle. Today, we would not require a young man to go to literal battle, pay a sum of money, or even (in most cases) work several years for the young lady's father. However, it is necessary for a young lady and her parents to evaluate whether the young man has the necessary qualities to become the head of a household. The way in which this is done will vary, depending on the circumstances, but in all cases, it will take time. Do not be in too much of a hurry. Spend as much time as it takes to become thoroughly acquainted with one another's character. Don't give your heart away too easily.
One way to determine the character of a young man is to watch how he acts toward his parents and siblings. This is practice for how he will act in his own home someday. As a person is before marriage, he will be in marriage. (Remember, this principle applies to you, too!)
What are some other ways you can think of to find out if a young man has a godly character and would be compatible with you?
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Principle # 7: Commitment
Read 1 Thessalonians 4:4 again
What phrase does the Bible use to describe courtship in this verse?
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In the King James Version, the phrase is, “to possess (or acquire) his vessel.” Imagine it this way: A young man wants to acquire a beautiful, one-of-a-kind, rare vase. He searches the world, giving the best years of his life to finding this special vase. Finally, after much work, time, and sacrifice, he finally finds the vase he is looking for. After spending all that time and effort to find the vase, of course he is ready to give his life savings to posses it and make it his own. Like the young man's search for the rare vase, courtship is a means to an end—marriage. A person who courts with no intention of marrying the one he is courting is defrauding
(review principle # 5).
Note: Not all courtships end in marriage, but every courtship should be for the purpose of determining whether marriage between the two parties is God's will.
Read Malachi 2:13-16
Why, in these verses, was God refusing to accept the people's offering?
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Now read Matthew 5:31-32
Is divorce God's will? ___________________________________________________
In these two texts, we can plainly see that divorce, in most cases, is sin.
Now to return to our illustration, imagine that just as the young man is ready to spend his life savings to possess the rare vase, he is told, “This transaction will be final. There will be no opportunity to return or exchange the vase once you have purchased it.” Wouldn't that young man want to be really, really sure that he was making the right decision? This is the way it is with courtship. Since divorce is sin, marriage is permanent. Those who engage in courtship must realize the seriousness of the decisions and commitments they are making.
Read Genesis 2:23-24
If you are already in a courtship, consider these questions: Are you willing to leave your parents and become one with this young man? Will you be able to be completely loyal to him, next to God? ____________________________________________________________
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Read Titus 2:4
How are young women supposed to feel toward their husbands?
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The Greek word for love in this text is philandros, signifying a feeling of affection.
If God says that young women are to feel love toward their husbands, wouldn't it be wrong to marry someone you did not love? ____________________________________
An unhappy marriage is the greatest calamity; so be careful, thoughtful, and prayerful about entering into an engagement.
Read Song of Solomon 8:6-7
If you are currently in a courtship ask yourself this question: “Will I be able to develop this kind of love for this young man when we are married?” ____________________________
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It is better to break a courtship, or even an engagement, than to dishonor God by breaking a marriage later. However, there is also a problem if you are finding yourself breaking up again and again.
Read Exodus 21:8
How does this text describe the actions of a man who breaks a betrothal?
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It is deceitful and defrauding to raise expectations that you do not fulfill. Although a courtship is not the same as an engagement or betrothal, it still can raise expectations. Repeated break-ups are practice for divorce. Do not enter into courtship unless you are willing to commit to doing all within your power to protect the heart of the other person, as well as your own heart.
Principle # 8: The honor of God
Read Exodus 20:3
How could this verse apply to courtship? _____________________________________
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Read Mark 12:30
Who is first in your thoughts and affections? Is it God, or someone else? _____________
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In courtship, as in all stages of life, we must put God first and serve Him with undivided affection. If we don't, we may be making and idol of the person we are courting. Be careful not to become infatuated and allow your whole attention to be absorbed in one another.
Read Psalm 63:1 and Matthew 6:33
Are you tempted to neglect your personal time with God because your time and thoughts are consumed with a young man? ____________________________________________
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Read Hebrews 10:25
Do you ever skip church or other religious meetings in order to spend more time with that special person? __________________________________________________________
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It is important that those who are courting do not neglect their duty to God in order to spend more time with one another.
Read 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 and Psalm 139:14-16
Who created you and then bought you? ______________________________________
Who do you belong to? __________________________________________________
It is important to remember that God created us with individuality to fulfill the specific plan He has for each of us. We must be careful not to become so wrapped up in our relationship with another person that we lose this God-given individuality. We are God's, both by creation and redemption. We are to put him first in everything.
Read Ephesians 5:22-32
According to these verses, what is marriage an object lesson of?
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Throughout the Bible, God used many object lessons to illustrate the plan of salvation. Marriage is just one of them.
Now read Hosea 2:13-20
Can courtship also be an object lesson of the relationship between Christ and His people?
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Courtship and marriage are designed to represent the way that Christ seeks His people, pursues them, draws them to Him in love, protects them, and provides for them. It also shows the faithfulness of Christ and the submission of His people. These are just a few of the beautiful lessons these relationships are designed to teach.
Read Exodus 17: 6 and Numbers 20:8
These verses are an example of another object lesson. This could become a long Bible study in itself, but briefly: The rock was to represent Christ (see 1 Corinthians 10:4). Striking the rock the first time and not the second time, as God had directed, was to represent the fact that Christ death for our sins occurred once and for all (see Hebrews 7:27, 10:10 and 10:12).
Now Read Numbers 20:9-12
What did God say would happen to Moses and Aaron because of their failure to exactly obey His instructions? ____________________________________________________
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This text shows us how seriously God takes His object lessons. When we are given a part to act in God's object lessons, and we fail to faithfully fulfill His instructions, we are misrepresenting and dishonoring Him.
If you are involved in a courtship, are you being faithful to represent Christ through this relationship? In what ways is your relationship an object lesson of Christ and His church?
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Remember, the very reason your courtship exists should be to honor God.
Principle # 9: The Blessing of Others
Read Malachi 2:15
First read the verse in your own Bible. If you find the wording somewhat difficult, you may also enjoy the following paraphrase from the Clear Word:
...God made you both one and accepted you as such. Why is He so concerned about this? For many reasons, one being so you could have godly children, descendants who are truly God's people. Guard your spirit and don't break faith with your wife, the one you married when you were young.**
According to this verse, what is the purpose of marriage?
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Marriage is not to be entered into for selfish reasons, but rather so that we can fulfill God's plan to fill the earth with people who will love and serve Him.
Now read Romans 9:8, Galatians 3:29, Galatians 4:27-28, Matthew 28:19-20
Is having physical children the only way we can fulfill the purpose of marriage, or can we also fulfill this purpose by leading others to Christ? ________________________________
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Marriage allows us to be more effective in ministering to others by working together.
If ministry is the purpose of marriage, do you think that the purpose of courtship is the same? __________________________________________________________________
Is the purpose of your courtship unselfish ministry?
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Since the purpose of courtship is to bless others, we must not become so wrapped up in that one special person that we neglect our duty to be a help in our home, church, and community. Rather, we should be looking for ways to reach out to others together.
Read 1 Timothy 4:12
What are we to be for others? _____________________________________________
Now Read 1 Thessalonians 5:22
What does this verse tell us is a good way to make sure we are setting a good example?
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How can you set a good example and avoid the appearance of evil in your courtship?
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Principle # 10: Divine Guidance
Read Psalm 139:2-16 and Jeremiah 1:4-5
Do you believe God has a detailed, complete plan for your life? ____________________
Could this plan even include who you will marry? (Read Genesis 2:18-22 again.)
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Read Genesis 24:33-52
Re-read verses 42-44 and verse 51. Who chose Rebekah to be Isaac's wife?
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Many people think of the story this way: Isaac's father sent his servant and the servant chose Rebekah. But according to these verses, God chose Rebekah.
How does God show who His choice for you is? Read the following scripture verses and match them with the list on the right.
A desire and willingness to obey God Isaiah 30:21
Prayer 2 Timothy 3:16
Biblical Principles James 1:5
Evaluation of character qualities Proverbs 11:14
Providential opportunities John 7:17
The counsel of others Matthew 7:20
The guidance of the Holy Spirit Genesis 24:14
God is our Creator. He had a specific plan in mind for each one of us before we were created. Following this plan will bring us the greatest happiness. Therefore, we should not feel that we can decide for ourselves who to marry. Neither should we depend solely on another human to decide for us. God knows who He has planned for us to be united with. He knows who will be most compatible with us. Therefore, we must allow Him to introduce us to that person through the principles of Divine guidance outlined above.
If you are considering beginning a courtship with a specific person, ask yourself the following questions:
How many of the principles of Divine guidance have I been using as I consider this decision? _______________________________________________________________
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Is God the one directing this relationship, or am I?
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Principle # 11: Honor to Parents
Read Genesis 29:28, Exodus 2:21, Exodus 22:17, and 1 Corinthians 7:38
In the Bible, who usually gave a woman to a man for a wife? _______________________
Read Numbers 30:1-5
Who had the right to annul or ratify a woman's vow before she was married?
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A woman's promise was only binding as long as her father agreed with it. This was not an unfair restriction, but rather a great blessing and protection for the woman. Think about it: If a young man made a foolish, harmful promise, then realized his mistake, he had to carry the promise out anyway. A young lady, on the other hand, was to be protected from carrying out foolish, harmful vows by her father's intervention.
In light of this passage, can a woman promise to marry a man without her father's consent?
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It is the father's duty to protect his daughter; and it is the daughter's duty to accept her father's protection.
Read Exodus 20:12 and 1 John 3:4
Is honor to parents part of God's law? _______________________________________
Would it be sin to break this law? ___________________________________________
As we can see from the above passages, parents do have the right to “interfere” in their children's relationships. Wise parents will pray with and for their children and will be seeking their best interest. But even ungodly parents must be honored and obeyed as long as they do not ask you to disobey God. In most cases, to marry without your parents' blessing would be wrong.
Read Genesis 24:67
Was Isaac happy when he followed his father's guidance in selecting a wife? ___________
Read Ephesians 6:1-3
What is the promise for those who honor their parents? ___________________________
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Of course, it is not the parent's job to select a spouse for their child without respect to the child's wishes. But young people should actively seek counsel from their parents and allow them to make critical observations. Your parents will be able to see things you can't. This principle applies no matter how old you are. However, you will need an extra amount of your parents' involvement if you begin courtship at a younger age.
Principle # 12: Godly Counsel
Read Proverbs 11:14, 12:15, and 19:20
What brings wisdom and safety, according to these verses?
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Counsel is especially important during courtship, not only from our parents, but also from others. A Courtship should never be conducted in secret.
Read Proverbs 20:5
How will a man of understanding get counsel? __________________________________
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We must do more than just passively accept counsel. We must actively seek it, ask for it, draw it out. Have you been actively seeking counsel? ______________________________
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Read Proverbs 10:11, Proverbs 15:28, Proverbs 27:6, 9, &17, 1 Thessalonians 5:12, and Hebrews 3:13
Who should we seek counsel from? _________________________________________
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Those who the Lord has placed in authority over us, church leaders, fellow believers, and trusted, godly friends are all good sources of counsel. Choose counselors with experience. As with your parents, you will need to allow them to make critical observations and point out any problems they may see in your relationship.
Now Read Psalm 1:1, Proverbs 19:27, Isaiah 8:20, and 1 Timothy 3:2-5
Who should we not seek counsel from? ______________________________________
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Obviously, anyone who's counsel is not in accordance with God's word is not to be trusted. Also, those who do not have a close walk with the Lord and whose lives do not produce the fruit of godliness are disqualified as counselors.
Name some of the godly counselors God has placed in your life:
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Read Jeremiah 6:16-19
Re-read verse 16. Once we have asked for counsel and had the right way pointed out to us, what must we do? _______________________________________________________
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All the counsel in the world will do us no good if we are not willing to walk in it.
Re-read verses 17-19. What was the result when Israel refused to follow the counsel they were given? _____________________________________________________________
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What are you doing with the counsel you receive? ______________________________
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Principle # 13: Personal Responsibility
Read Ezekial 18:20 and Phillipians 2:12
Who is ultimately responsible for making sure that you make the right choices?
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According to these verses, we are individually responsible to God for our own choices.
Read Acts 17:11
What made the Bereans more noble than the Thessalonians? _______________________
Like the Bereans, we need to take the time to search the Scriptures and learn God's will for ourselves.
Read John 7:17
Is God willing to show you His will? Or will He only show it to your pastor, or other authorities? ______________________________________________________________
According to this verse what is the requirement for learning God's will?
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Are you meeting this requirement? __________________________________________
Read Proverbs 19:21 and Isaiah 30:1
Although it is important to seek counsel from human sources, who is the most important one to seek counsel from? ______________________________________________________
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Each of us needs to seek the Lord for ourselves. Though counsel must be sought and headed, we must not place our responsibility on others and wait for them to tell us what to do. Make the decision to do nothing that will dishonor God, and you will know what to do and have the strength to do it.
Note: Notice the order of the last four principles. They were not placed in that order by chance. When we are seeking to know God's will in any matter we must always put divine guidance first, followed by parental guidance. Next we may seek counsel from other godly people. And although it is very important to seek God's will for ourselves, our own opinions must be considered last and have the least weight in our decision making. After all, we are young, inexperienced, and very fallible. We can make mistakes and really need the counsel of others to keep us on the right course.
**Texts credited to Clear Word are from The Clear Word, copyright © 1994, 2000, 2003, 2004 by Review and Herald Publishing Association. All rights reserved.